


A Momentary Lapse (Shaken not Stirred)

by violentwhistles



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Harry-centric, Kingsman: The Golden Circle Spoilers, M/M, Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 12:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12232680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentwhistles/pseuds/violentwhistles
Summary: "I had a girlfriend," Eggsy tells him, "and I lost her and it broke me".Harry feels disoriented.





	A Momentary Lapse (Shaken not Stirred)

**Author's Note:**

> So ever since I saw Kingsman: The Golden Circle I've done nothing but think about Harry Hart. 
> 
> This is basically my headcanon for what happened in that infamous Martini Scene.
> 
> I haven't written anything in a LONG time so please feel free to leave constructive feedback!

"I had a girlfriend," Eggsy tells him, "and I lost her and it broke me". 

Harry feels disoriented. It’s not quite unlike a butterfly episode, he feels like time has slowed down but there's no hallucinations. He's just staring at his hands and he can see he’s still holding a tumbler but can’t feel his fingers. And it’s not that he thought Eggsy would never meet anyone, it’s just once again he is brutally reminded of how much time has passed. How much he's lost since he got shot in the head and spent a year rekindling his knowledge of butterflies. God, he got shot in the head. He died and he's here and he gets a second chance and-  

"Do you know the last thing that went through my mind when I was shot?" Harry says. He wants to get it out before he looses his nerve.

Then he makes the fatal mistake of looking up at Eggsy.

Eggsy, leaned gracefully against the bar, staring up at Harry, eyes wide and shaking his head. Harry’s first thought is how beautiful he is. He's breathtaking and it amazes Harry how Eggsy still manages to look innocent and youthful with all that he's been through already. Eggsy has always been handsome but Harry is used to pulling his eyes away and pretending he is unaffected. This time he lets himself look. He takes in how much Eggsy's grown. Eggsy is stronger, broader than he was when Harry last saw him. He carries himself like a proper gentleman and a true spy. Harry marvels at how unrecognizable this man is from is from the boy he picked out of a jail cell nearly two years ago.

Merlin and Eggsy had told him how Eggsy had saved the world, and the missions he's completed since then, and it's still difficult to comprehend he's missed so much. Harry is proud of who Eggsy has become, he knows he played a big part in that, but he's also fiercely jealous. He feels a dark twist in his gut when he thinks of all the experiences that have shaped him that Harry wasn't there for.

Harry remembers all the time they spent together before the world started ending. 

He spent far too much time trying to catch a glimpse of Eggsy training when he thought he wouldn't be caught. And Harry know's he's been in this game far too long because watching Eggsy throw knives at the range or spar with the others used to leave him breathless and wanting. The boy was lethal, precise and creative in ways the other candidates couldn't compete with. Harry was absolutely enamored, but had a lifetime of experience trying to ignore any feelings that could be viewed as a weakness. Harry knows he couldn’t have fooled Merlin, who was seemingly everywhere and nowhere all at once, but Merlin had the grace to never mention it to Harry or, apparently, Eggsy. 

He tears his eyes away and stares back into the empty martini glasses. He thinks it had to have been a deliberate move on Eggsy's part to not mention this girlfriend until now. He's not sure what to make of it. Perhaps Eggsy thought he would have been disappointed in him for breaking the rules. Harry thinks of the fight they got in before Harry went to Ketucky. He had berated Eggsy for having feelings, for having attachments, and for being emotional.

Harry had wanted his candidate to do well, but he wanted so much more for Eggsy. He wanted to give him this life and a chance to make a difference. He would have given him the world if he could. But Kingsman was the best thing Harry had and he had wanted to share it with Eggsy, who had messed it all up in the final test. And Harry was upset, mad at himself, wondered what he did wrong, why nothing lately had seemed to go right and he couldn’t explain why to Eggsy, just lashed out and never got the chance to apologize because he had put the work first. He got on that plane instead of talking to Eggsy and Harry feels nothing but _regret._  

And not having feelings, never loving anyone, being able to shake off friends and colleagues and families deaths, being cold and calculating the way Harry has become over the years isn’t something he wants for Eggsy. And that’s the other side of the coin when it comes to Kingsman.

Harry thinks of all the pain he's endured committing his life to this higher purpose. Over his time in the army and his career in Kingsman. When he tries to tally how many people he's lost, people he's killed, things he's done, and things he will never do he doesn’t know where to start. He thinks about what his life could have been like if he would have married a nice woman and had a family and made a difference in the field of entomology, and instead how he's in a plane with only one eye and in love with a man half his age. 

He wonders what would have happened if he had told Eggsy how he felt. There were so many missed moments between them.

There were times Harry had thought about simply putting his hand against the sharp curve of Eggsy’s jaw and finally pushing into his space and closing the distance between them. Harry could get one true taste of his lips before Eggsy could even comprehend what was happening. Harry wonders if Eggsy would have kissed him back, then. He wonders if he would kiss him back now.

And other moments still he considered opening his mouth and confessing he's been mad about Eggsy since the day they met. Since Harry learned Eggsy took the fall for his friends and watched him almost sacrifice himself for his mother. Harry had noticed it even then, but Eggsy loves those around him fiercely and without restraint. He’s loyal to a fault and it’s the same trait that cost his father his life. Harry wouldn't change a single thing about him. 

Eggsy is beautiful and Harry is in love with him. It's not new. But Harry can see that Eggsy loves this girl and she's a bloody princess. Harry feels old and tired. 

And as he reflects on those missed chances, he supposes all those things he could have done don't matter. This is where they are now and Harry knows he has to make a decision from this point. After the events of the last week nothing between them will never be the same. Their working relationship is more important than it's ever been. They're the only two agents left, excluding Merlin. They need to work together to continue the agency, to pass on the traditions and to rebuild. They're starting from the ground up. Their colleagues and friends are dead.  Harry was dead. He would give his life ten times over for Eggsy. And if Eggy's happy, happy with her then, well. Harry has always been married to his work. 

He can feel his heart in his throat. He’s never wanted to lie to the boy but he doesn't know how to tell the truth without giving his entire position away. _You,_ He wants to say, _I thought about you_.

He takes a deep breath, decides. 

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." 


End file.
